Prompting RS, Like I need any encouragement
by sesheta255
Summary: The Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society, KAAS, on the Bioware Social Network have a prompt writing exercise every week, short one-shots that are written quickly.  These are my prompt submissions.  Bioware owns all
1. Chapter 1

Prompt 1 : _The reunion after Horizon and the Collectors defeat of Shepard and Kaidan. The catch; it must be silent NO DIALOGUE (or text or emails)! _

_thanks to Star for her help with the teeny amount of smut._

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**Reality Bites**

Joker leaned back in his chair, deep in thought. The Collectors had been defeated and now the Normandy and her crew were back on the Citadel. Shepard had gone to meet with Anderson and Hackett to discuss the reaper threat. As far as he was concerned the most immediate problem was getting Shepard and Alenko back together. It shouldn't take much. Sparks always flew around those two. Joker was actually surprised that Shepard had let him walk away on Horizon. He wouldn't have put it past her to shoot Alenko and drag his sorry ass back to the Normandy. Then there was that lame assed email that Alenko had sent her. Joker shook his head. Alenko was so dense when it came to women. Why on earth he felt the need to mention dating a doctor on the Citadel to Shepard was anyone's guess.

He sighed. It looked like it was up to him to get those two together again, and he had the perfect plan. Shepard had told him to find somewhere for her to sleep tonight, and Joker just happened to have acquired Alenko's address and a key to his apartment. It paid to have extranet connections after all.

Shepard let herself into the apartment that Joker had told her she could use. She was tired and just wanted to relax away from everyone for at least one night. She flicked on the lights and looked around the small apartment. Joker had told her it belonged to one of his buddies, currently on a mission. She was surprised that any of Jokers friends kept their place this neat and tidy and there weren't any signs of personal memorabilia around. Shepard shrugged. She'd have a closer inspection in the morning. Right now all she wanted to do was have a shower and crawl into bed.

Stripping she stepped into the shower. The aroma of the soap made her think of Kaidan. Damn it, why wouldn't anyone tell her where he was? Surely, take three solar systems to the left and hang a right wasn't that difficult? She smothered a yawn as she stepped from the shower and quickly toweled herself dry. She turned off all the lights before sliding into the bed to dream about Kaidan. She'd worry about finding him tomorrow.

Kaidan let himself into his apartment, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. He didn't bother with the lights, just headed straight the bedroom where he stripped and slid into bed. Shepard was on the Citadel somewhere but Joker had denied any knowledge of where she was. He closed his eyes; he'd worry about finding her tomorrow.

The dream started as it normally did. Shepard turned into Kaidan's arms, the heat from his body drawing her towards him. Usually at this point, she found herself wakening to an empty bed but this time the warmth felt real as did the feel of his mouth on hers. Her hands slid over his back, pulling him closer as she slid one leg over him possessively.

He responded eagerly, his tongue sliding out to part her lips as his hands slid over her waist and hips. Her skin crackled at his touch although she wasn't sure whether it was the result of arousal or biotic discharge or both. She moved against him eagerly, her soft groan answered by one from Kaidan as they came together in a frantic tangle of lips, hands and arms which eventually ended in waves of pleasure. Sated, she rolled over, sliding into deepest sleep.

Kaidan woke slowly, savouring the feelings his dream had left him with. He didn't know why this dream had felt so real compared to his usual ones which left him feeling empty and alone. His shoulder ached and he looked at it, seeing a couple of small round bruises that looked like... bite marks? He suddenly became aware of a weight across his legs and realised he was not alone in the bed. He sat up abruptly, stifling an oath as he turned to see the woman next to him. Shepard? Here? His shock gave way to the realisation that last night had not been a dream after all.

Shepard stirred and stretched languidly. Movement beside her made her open her eyes to find herself looking directly into Kaidan's. The shock she felt was mirrored on his face. Kaidan? Here? She should never have trusted Joker. What the hell, it was too late now anyway. She reached up to pull his head down to hers. It wouldn't hurt to relive the dream just once before they had to talk.


	2. Chapter 2

Prompt 2 : _Kaidan's first visit to the Normandy SR2; written/viewed from the perspective of anyone BUT Kaidan or Shepard._

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**Heavy Risk**

Alenko is an asshole. He couldn't put it any more succinctly than that. Unfortunately he was the one asshole in the galaxy that could make Shepard happy. _And a happy Shepard means my life will be a hell of a lot easier._ He made the call that would summon Alenko to the Normandy. If Shepard found out, she'd kill him but some things were worth the risk. Besides he stood to win a reasonable amount of money from Jack if he could get them back together. _I've done it once, I can do it again._

Shepard had come back from her meeting with the Council in a foul mood and was currently in her cabin pacing and cursing. Alenko was due to arrive any minute. _Should I warn Alenko? Nah, it would be way more entertaining this way. _He chuckled to himself as Alenko's voice came over the comm requesting permission to come aboard. He gave permission and gave Alenko instructions on how to get to the bridge, not that he really needed them if he remembered the Normandy's layout.

Joker swiveled in his chair at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Alenko."

"Joker." Kaidan gave a curt nod. "Where's Shepard? Are you sure she wants to see me?"

"Shepard's in the loft." At Kaidan's puzzled expression he added "That's what we call her cabin. I'm pretty sure she'd love to see you. Her frustration levels are going through the roof. The damn collectors didn't stand a chance with her in that mood."

Kaidan stared at the man who had once been one of his best friends. It seemed he hadn't changed much.

"Let me give you some advice. If you really want to patch things up with Shepard, action first. Leave the talking for later. And for god's sake don't let her get wound up. You need to take charge. You do outrank her now, after all." Joker paused and gave Kaidan a sly wink, "Let Shepard serve under you this time."

"I didn't come here for action. I came to talk." Kaidan spoke quietly, trying to ignore Joker's sly innuendo. He didn't need reminders of serving under Shepard.

"Your funeral, Alenko." Joker shrugged. "Head to the CIC, you can't miss the elevator. Take it to the top level. See ya."

"Yeah, maybe." Kaidan turned and walked away.

"And now the fun begins." Joker turned back to his monitor to watch the fireworks.

"Serves you right Alenko. I warned you not to talk." Joker was so caught up laughing at Alenko being berated by Shepard that he jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"What the fuck are you doing Joker?"

"Jeez Jack, you scared the crap out of me. If you must know I'm winning our bet so I hope you brought your credits with you."

Jack nodded towards the monitor. "So that's Alenko, huh? Looks like he's in trouble. I wouldn't be counting my credits just yet, Joker."

"He wouldn't have this problem if he'd listen to me. The guy knows nothing when it comes to women."

"He's lucky Shepard didn't warp his ass on Horizon. I wouldn't have taken that shit from him."

"His ass is definitely the last bit of Alenko that Shepard would warp. Trust me." Joker chuckled.

They both turned back to the monitor in time to see Shepard's biotics flicker, but it was actually her fist that she threw at Kaidan. They both laughed as he backed away holding his stomach.

"Now it's getting interesting. Fuck. It's about time Shepard." She turned towards Joker with a calculating look on her face. "How about a side bet, Joker? Fifty credits say that Shepard is going to wipe the floor with him."

You're on. If Alenko decides to take charge she'll be putty in his hands. You're forgetting I have prior experience with these two." He turned back to the monitor. "C'mon Alenko, take charge for god's sake."

"Holy shit!" Joker exclaimed as Shepard's biotics flared and she let loose a warp that just missed Kaidan but didn't miss the fish tank behind him. Alenko's own biotics flared. "Yes! About time," Joker yelled as Kaidan advanced towards her soaking wet.

Shepard backed up till she came up against the wall. "Stand your ground, for fucks sake, Shepard." Jack said, obviously disgusted in Shepard's actions. This was the woman who had taken on just about every bit of scum in the galaxy without blinking backing away from one man.

"Told you." Joker said smugly as Alenko held Shepard's arms against the wall and pinned her body with his own.

They watched as Kaidan kissed Shepard and she pulled her hands free to wrap her arms around his body. They broke apart briefly as she pulled Kaidan's wet shirt from him and reached for his belt buckle.

"Ok, I think that's enough." Joker turned away from the monitor and held his palm out to Jack, "Pay up, Jack. I told you I'd get them back together." He looked at Jack who was staring intently at the monitor. "What the hell are you looking at? If Shepard finds out we were spying on her she'll kill both of us. And if she doesn't, Alenko will."

Joker turned back to the monitor in time to see Alenko's naked butt. "That is something I definitely do not need to see." He reached forward to switch it off as Jack's hand reached towards the controls at the same time.

"Fuck what you want to see." She pushed his hand away and hit the button that would freeze the picture. "The rumours were true. Alenko does have a damn fine ass."


	3. Chapter 3

Prompt 3 : _The time is sometime after the events of Mass Effect 2. Kaidan Alenko is in his apartment on the Citadel. Why did they have to walk through my door? The catch is... the person entering CANNOT be Shepard._

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**Of Hallucinations and Hanars**

Kaidan crossed the room to answer the door. He was tired and irritated. All he wanted to do was find Shepard but Anderson had him cooling his heels, and now, just to top things off his head was throbbing, which the new pain meds were not having much effect on.

Tentacles came round the door as he opened it, and forced it open further.

He looked in shock at the Hanar that came through his door, and closed it securely behind himself.

"This one offers you greetings Commander Alenko. This one feels it most fortunate that your door was the one this one ended up at."

Kaidan stared dumbly at the creature for what seemed like an eternity until he could find his voice. "What the hell is going on? Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"This one asks that you be patient, Commander Alenko. It regrets that it must impose upon you for a short time."

"You'll have to forgive me but this one is not feeling very patient at the moment. Did Joker put you up to this? Where are the cameras? You can just go back where you came from because I'm not in the mood for this garbage at the moment."

"This one does not believe it brought any garbage with it, and has no knowledge of one called Joker. This one will explain all Commander Alenko. This one must ensure that it is not being followed first." Tentacles moved the curtains slightly so the Hanar could glance quickly out onto the street.

"Alright, let me guess. Your name is Blasto and you're a duel pistol wielding Hanar Spectre. How am I doing so far?" Kaidan's irritation was growing in direct proportion to the throbbing in his head.

"This one believes it will be safer if it does not give its name. This one has heard of Blasto though. That one causes much consternation within the Hanar home world."

"I need a drink." Kaidan knew he probably shouldn't drink with a throbbing head and after taking pain medication. _Hell, I'm already hallucinating, might as well go all the way._ He had been having some strange dreams lately, but he was pretty sure he wasn't asleep and this wasn't a dream. Maybe Anderson was right and he needed a rest. He had been working pretty hard lately.

He took a few gulps of brandy before placing the glass on a table and sinking into his favourite chair in the darkest corner of the room. His hands went to his head where he massaged his temples trying to ease the throbbing which was increasing dramatically.

"This one may be able to help, Commander Alenko." The Hanar floated silently over to him, its tentacles reaching out to join his hands in their massaging.

"Sure why not?" Kaidan was way beyond caring at this point. The whole thing was so ridiculous that it couldn't be real, although he'd never had a hallucination that felt so real before. "So, now do you want to tell me who you are and what you're doing here, or should I just ignore you?"

"This one will accede to the request. As this one has already stated, this one does not feel it necessary to divulge its name. But this one is indeed a Spectre and does indeed have duel pistols."

"If you're real then I'm so going to kill Joker when I get my hands on him." Kaidan mumbled.

"This one does not know what this Joker is but must caution against killing. This one would hate to have to hunt Commander Alenko down for murder." The Hanar spoke softly, its tentacles still massaging Kaidan's head, the iridescent lights flashing across its body as it spoke creating patterns in the darkened room.

Kaidan said nothing and would have facepalmed if he didn't think the action would cause more throbbing. The Hanar continued speaking.

"This one was on a mission but may have been seen, so it needed a place to lay low in case this one was followed."

"What was this mission and who was following you?" Kaidan decided the easiest thing to do was to play along until the hallucination dissipated.

"This one regrets that it cannot speak too much of its mission, the Council would not approve. But this one believes that it was being followed by a Cerberus operative. The Council will be most upset with this one if Cerberus find out about this ones existence."

"So you're investigating Cerberus and you just happened to knock on my door by accident? Pull the other one."

"This one does not believe it is pulling anything. But this one will oblige if Commander Alenko will tell it what to pull."

"Never mind." Kaidan was starting to feel totally out of control of his own hallucination. "You can stop touching me now."

"This one apologises. This one did not wish to make the Commander uncomfortable. But this one heard a Cerberus operative say that it had its eye on the prize, and this one was worried its cover had been blown."

"Well you'd certainly be a great prize for Cerberus." Kaidan nodded in agreement and wished he hadn't as his head threatened to explode at the sudden movement.

"This one agrees. Although this one cannot be sure, as another agent dragged that one away. Maybe that one did not believe the first one."

"Hang on. So you're telling me that you don't even know if your cover was broken." He really needed to get out of this situation soon if his sanity was going to remain intact much longer.

"This one is confused Commander. What should this one hang on to?"

"For the love of…." Kaidan was beginning to really regret opening the door. "Just go on with what you were saying."

"This one has not much more to tell. This one heard the one being dragged off say, "But the prize," so this one thought it should get away and assumed that it would be safe at the Commanders apartment."

"So how long are you planning on staying."

"This one should not need to bother the Commander for much longer. This one appreciates the commander's hospitality." The Hanar floated over to the curtained window to look out onto the street once more.

Kaidan decided he couldn't take much more. "I'm going to bed. Let yourself out." He stood and headed for his bedroom, determined not to take that particular brand of pain medication anymore. _With any luck I won't even remember this night._


	4. Chapter 4

Prompt 4 : _Kaidan has joined the crew of the Normandy 2. He meets or has a reunion with a member of the crew for the first time since joining the crew. Shepard is not present at this meeting._

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**Grunt**

"So, you're the one, huh?" Grunt asked as Kaidan came through the door of his room.

Kaidan looked at the Krogan with a puzzled expression "The one?"

"My battlemaster's mate. That idiot in the cockpit has told me much about you."

"Yeah, well you can forget anything the idiot in the cockpit told you." Kaidan should have known that Joker would be telling tales. "And who is your battle master?"

"Shepard of course. She has no equal."

He wasn't going to argue that point, but he had a bad feeling about where this conversation was going. "I don't know who told you that but I'm not her mate"

"So she won't mind if we fight then?" Grunt pulled himself up to his full height.

"Why would we want to fight? Aren't we all part of Shepard's squad?" Kaidan asked in what he hoped sounded like a reasonable tone to the Krogan.

"Originally it was to prove you were worthy of her because the others told me you were her mate. But now it's so that I know you are worthy to be part of her squad."

"So we have to fight whether I'm her mate or not? Why do you call her your battle master?" He'd forgotten what it was like to be around a Krogan.

"She woke me from the tank and proved herself to be tougher than our enemies. It is because of Shepard that I have been through the ritual and I have a clan. We have defeated a thresher maw together and now both have breeding requests. It is a great honour."

"Breeding requests? Shepard?" Kaidan said in a strangled voice. He could just imagine her reaction to that.

"Why do you care if you aren't her mate? Are you ready to prove your worth?"

Kaidan crossed his arms, wondering once again why he thought it had been a good idea to check out the members of Shepard's squad. "I'm not going to fight you Grunt. I have nothing to prove to you."

"So you are like most humans and don't have the quads. If it's your ass you're worried about I have already been told not to damage it as that would certainly earn me Shepard's disapproval."

He was going to kill Joker. Kaidan had no doubt that this was another one of his pranks. He was so deep in thought that he didn't realise the Krogan was charging until he was slammed against the wall with Grunt's arm at his throat.

"That was for Horizon. I was told you were owed at least that."

"We are not going to do this Grunt." Kaidan managed to choke out between breaths.

"Ha. You aren't worthy. Shepard pulled a gun on me when I slammed her against a wall."

Kaidan was starting to get angry now. "Well I'm not Shepard."

"That's obvious." Grunt increased the pressure on Kaidan's throat.

Kaidan decided it was time to end this and used his biotics to throw Grunt across the room. "I told you I'm not going to fight Grunt."

"Seems like it's too late for that now." Grunt charged again.

Kaidan lifted him into the air. "I will let you down when you've decided not to continue with this."

Grunt laughed. "Seems like you just might be a worthy mate for my battlemaster after all, Alenko."

"Later Grunt." Kaidan let Grunt down as he headed for the door wondering whether he was going to get the same reception from all of Shepard's squad. _Of course I am. I wonder if Shepard knows._ He snorted at his own foolishness. _Yeah she knows. It was probably her that gave the idea to Joker in the first place. I'm going to be paying for Horizon for a long time I think._


	5. Chapter 5

Prompt 5 : _Setting: anytime during Mass Effect 1 Prompt: Kaidan and some guy friends (yes, all males, bwahahahah*) - preferably from the Normandy, but any Alliance or Shepard-affiliated person will do - go out for some drinks. As usual, Shepard is not there, so the guys can talk about Shepard behind his/her back._

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**The Elcor in the Room**

Shepard had gone off to meet with Hackett and had sent Kaidan to meet up with Captain Anderson to bring him up to date on their mission. He was thankful that Anderson had chosen to meet in the embassy lounge rather than the brighter and noisier environment of Flux.

"Councilor Udina was not happy about Shepard's decision to release the Rachni." Anderson took a sip of his drink.

"Shepard had to make a decision. She had no time to wait for a committee to decide. She did what she thought was right." Kaidan said defensively.

Anderson held up a hand. "I'm not criticizing her, Alenko. I'll back any decision Shepard makes. She hasn't let the Alliance down before."

"I can see why the Alliance was eager to push for her Spectre candidacy." Kaidan nodded in agreement.

"Yes. She's the best candidate we have to advance humanity's standing with the Council. They've been watching her for a long time."

"I was surprised to find out she was a biotic. I haven't had the chance to work with many others."

"It wasn't something the Alliance advertised after Elysium when they started using her as the recruitment poster girl. But it was another reason why I wanted her on my crew. I thought you two would work well together." Anderson spoke quietly.

Kaidan was saved from replying by an Elcor who had approached their table.

"_Heartfelt apology_. Forgive me but I wanted to congratulate you on Shepard becoming a Spectre. She is a most a most excellent example of your species."

Kaidan recognised him as the Elcor that they had helped out with his problem with the Consort.

Captain Anderson indicated a seat and signaled the bartender. "Thank you, Xeltan. Please feel free to join us. We were just discussing Shepard actually."

"_Surprised delight._ Thank you. I would be pleased to join you. Shepard helped me with a personal matter when she was last on the Citadel."

"Yes I'd heard about that. You don't have any more problems do you?"

"_Polite denial._ No, everything is fine now."

The Captain turned to Kaidan. "So, what do you think of Shepard, Lieutenant Alenko?"

"She certainly lives up to her reputation," Kaidan replied unable to hide the admiration for her in his voice.

"_Candid admission_. She is attractive for one of your species."

Kaidan almost choked on his drink, and ignored the amused, if somewhat speculative look Captain Anderson was giving him.

"So do you think she's attractive, Lieutenant?" Anderson asked curiously.

"Sir, she's my commanding officer. It's a privilege to serve under her."

"_Rampant confusion._ Is that what your species refers to as a euphemism?"

Anderson laughed out loud and Kaidan's blush was caused from a combination of choking and embarrassment.

"_Timidly._ Did I say something wrong? I would not like to insult Shepard."

"No, its fine Xeltan, it's not an insult at all. Shepard is very attractive, but the Alliance has very strict fraternisation rules so even if the Lieutenant here was interested in her, he couldn't do anything about it." Anderson explained while watching Kaidan's reaction.

"_With barely contained excitement._ "Does this mean that I might have a chance to court her? I am not part of your Alliance. I believe the correct phrase your species uses is that I would so do her."

Anderson's laughter was now drawing attention to them. Kaidan was wishing that he was anywhere but in the embassy lounge at that moment. _That was something I definitely did not want to hear. Thank God, Joker's not even worse, Shepard._

"I should get back to the ship, Sir. Shepard will want to ship out as soon as her meeting is finished," he managed to stammer as he left as quickly as good manners would allow.


	6. Chapter 6

_Setting: anytime during Mass Effect 1 or 2 Prompt: An argument, between two or more persons, set anywhere with the exception below. Limit: Kaidan must be one of the participants __or__ the argument must be about Kaidan. __THE ARGUMENT CANNOT BE ON; CANNOT BE ABOUT; CANNOT MENTION IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM __HORIZON_

_I was late in writing this one so it was never submitted as a prompt and because of that I set it in my version of post ME2_

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**Death by Chocolate**

Kaidan sighed in frustration. "For the last time, Shepard, NO!"

"Aw c'mon Kaidan, think of the possibilities." She sidled up to him and ran her hand down his back.

"Where you're concerned I try to avoid thinking of possibilities. They usually get me into trouble." He backed away from her wanting some distance between them so she couldn't get up to any of her tricks.

"I didn't notice you complaining last night. Besides you like adventurous women remember?"

"Yeah that has to be the dumbest pick up line I ever used, and you fell for it. But I must have been crazy because if you get any more adventurous you'll end up killing me."

"Well you'll go with a smile on your face. I never realised you were such a prude."

He looked at her incredulously. "Prude? You say that after last night, and every other night, if I'm being accurate."

"Well I don't see why you are resisting this then."

"Because Joker will have a field day, not to mention the rest of the people on this ship. I've been the butt of too many of his pranks already. I am not going to give him any more ammunition."

"Well, it's not like it's anything he wouldn't have seen on the extranet."

"Yes and if you go through with this cockamamie idea it will end up on the extranet."

"But I thought you disabled the camera he had in here."

"I disabled the three of them that I found but you know what he's like. And he is tight with EDI and she sees everything."

"You're being an old fuddy duddy, Kaidan. Anyway, I really don't need your permission to add something to **my **cabin. I am Commander Shepard, and the commander of this ship." She stood pouting with her hands on her hips.

Kaidan took a deep breath. Desperate times called for desperate measures. "Don't pull the Commander Shepard crap with me, Mary Sue. I've seen you naked remember, and in a range of positions very unbecoming of a commanding officer."

She stilled and glared at him. "What did you call me?"

"You're name." He was watching her in case she decided to throw a warp his way.

"Get out. Now. At this rate you'll be lucky if you ever see me naked again, let alone in any of the positions that you seem to like so much."

He was dreading the consequences that he would no doubt face for that, but at least it got her mind off the crazy idea she was considering. _Surely she wasn't serious?_

"Yeah and no doubt I'll be reduced to cold showers again too." He said wearily. "I don't know why you have this hang-up over your name. Commander Mary Sue Shepard, Alliance N7, and Council Spectre, that is who you are."

"Actually you're wrong. We got married if you remember so my technically my name is Alenko. But not for much longer," she muttered deliberately loud enough for him to hear her. "I swear as soon as this damn mission is over and I get some shore leave I'm changing my name. Jane sounds good, don't you think?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Change it to whatever you want, but I don't plan on going through the rest of our lives calling you Shepard."

"You'll be lucky if there is a 'rest of our lives'. I can't believe you're fighting me on this."

"I can't believe you are actually considering it. You're doing this just to get a rise out of me aren't you?"

"I thought you liked it when I got a _rise_ out of you," she said in her most seductive voice.

"Don't think you're going to get around me with that voice. I'm on to your tricks now. And the answer is still no," he said firmly.

"But there's plenty of room, and we could get rid of the fish tank."

"I can see the news reports now. Al Jilani will have a field day. 'Two of the Alliance's most well known commanders drowned in their cabin. Rumours suggest that regardless of the official cause of death listed, the real cause is death by chocolate.'" He crossed his arms. "Let it go, Shepard. It's not happening."

"It would help with your stuffy image anyway." She giggled before giving him a coy look. "If you loved me, you'd agree."

Kaidan looked at her through narrowed eyes. _Oh no, I am falling for that one._

"For the last time, Shepard, we are NOT installing a chocolate fountain in the cabin and that's final." He stalked from the room muttering under his breath.

Joker watched as Kaidan threw himself into the co- pilot's seat.

"Trouble in paradise, Alenko? I warned you Shepard was too much for you to handle. But no-one listens to me." He sighed and shook his head before smirking at Kaidan. "You know someone once told me that life is like a box of chocolates….Hey where are you going?"


	7. Chapter 7

_Any time during Mass Effect 1 or 2 or post the two games. Prompt: Kaidan's and Shepard's first Christmas together. Limit: MUST BE FLUFFY GOODNESS! _

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**Santa's Secret**

"Hey Alenko, come and pick a name for the secret Santa," Joker called as Kaidan walked onto the bridge.

Kaidan dug his hand into the bag and came up with a name. He looked disbelievingly at the piece of paper in his hand. He couldn't believe Joker would be so obvious. It was a sure bet that Shepard had pulled his name from the sack as well.

Joker smirked at him. "Who'd you get?"

"Shepard. What the hell do I get Shepard?" He decided to play along with Joker's prank. He already knew what he was giving Shepard and he didn't need Jokers plans to do it.

"Give her a framed print of your ass, she'd like that." Joker laughed. "Oh by the way, you've been nominated to play Santa."

"Me? How did I get nominated?" This was not part of his plan.

"Well it seems there are any number of the crew, both male and female that want to sit on your lap and tell you how naughty and nice they can be."

"Great. I'm not doing it Joker." Kaidan said firmly.

"Oh, stop being a grinch. If it makes you feel any better Shepard was nominated for Christmas elf. You should see the outfit they gave her to wear. We may have to get her drunk to wear it though."

Kaidan walked off grinning to himself. He could just imagine the outfit that the crew were trying to get Shepard into.

Joker sat back in his chair with his arms behind his head. His plan was coming together nicely. He'd made sure that Shepard and Alenko got each other for the secret Santa and they were going to deck her cabin out in mistletoe. He was going to get those two together no matter what. Now that Saren was defeated, they could turn their attention to each other.

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The cargo bay had been set up with Christmas decorations and Kaidan sat in a chair in his Santa outfit. He had been keeping an eye on the elevator for Shepard to make her appearance. He really wanted to see her outfit.

Joker had been in charge of the eggnog with a little help from Dr. Chakwas who seemed to have been very thorough in her sampling of it. She had even taken a pitcher of it up to Shepard's cabin. His eyes lit up as the elevator doors opened and Shepard emerged dressed in a very short red dress complete with white trim, and a Santa hat on her head. She carried the now empty pitcher.

"Now that our elf is here we can get started," Joker announced.

After assorted wolf whistles and lewd suggestions to Shepard the crew formed a line and began sitting on Santa's lap telling him their most secret wishes while his face grew continually redder. Shepard was struggling not to laugh as she heard some of the comments made to him. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief when the last one had finished.

"Not so fast, your elf hasn't told you her Christmas wish yet Santa," Joker said pushing Shepard to towards Kaidan's lap.

Shepard giggled as she sat on his lap and started whispering some secret wishes and promises in his ear. He couldn't help grinning as he whispered a few things back to her.

Climbing reluctantly from his lap Shepard took her leave of the party. "Merry Christmas everyone. As I suspect there was more nog than egg in that drink I'll be heading to my cabin. Enjoy the party."

As the elevator doors closed Joker handed Kaidan a glass of eggnog. "You haven't given her your present yet have you?"

Seeing the shake of Kaidan's head, Joker let out a heavy sigh. "Damn it Alenko, do I have to do everything for you? Go after her and give it to her. We've covered her cabin in mistletoe, so even you can't screw up this time. She should have something for you too."

"I certainly hope so," Kaidan said quietly.

"What was that?" Joker shook his head. "You're a hopeless case, now stop complaining and get up there."

Kaidan stood up and headed to the elevator glad that the beard he wore was covering up the self satisfied smirk on his face.

He walked into Shepard's cabin grinning. "Nice outfit, Shepard. You look very cute." At her outraged expression he added, "And sexy."

"Why thank you Santa. Wait till you see what I have on underneath." She spun around and returned his grin.

"Is that my present?"

"Well one of them. Are you sure Joker hasn't fixed the comm and the cameras?" She asked, looking around suspiciously.

"Yes, I am." He moved closer and took her into his arms. "But since there's so much mistletoe in here I suppose I should do what tradition dictates."

"I'd be extremely disappointed if you didn't." She smiled as she pulled his head down to hers.

"Can I ask a favour Santa?" At his nod she winked suggestively. "Leave the hat on and I'll show you how naughty I can be."

At his raised eyebrow she added "You look very cute….and sexy."

He laughed. "I will if you will."

"Deal," she said as she started unbuckling his belt.

Much later they lay entwined on the bed. Kaidan chuckled as he looked at her, "Merry Christmas, Shepard. This is the best Christmas ever."

She laughed. "Yeah and putting one over on Joker is definitely a nice Christmas bonus."


	8. Chapter 8

A typo on the original prompt topic, which changed the question of what surprising hobby's Kaidan might have to hobbits, sent us into silly mode, and by 'us' I mean myself, along with my partners in crims, Star and Shenzi, lmao. Then we found the Isengard song on youtube, and tortured ourselves with it *sigh* The three of us should never be left unsupervised!

And so from the three S's, or Stooges if you prefer - Star, Shenzi, and Sesh, we present for your reading pleasure (and with sincere apologies to Professor Tolkien)…

* * *

**Kaidan's Surprising Hobbits**

Three mass relays to the asari queens under the sky  
Seven to the krogan lords in their halls of stone  
Nine to mortal men doomed to die.  
One conduit to rule them all, one conduit to find them.  
One conduit to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

"You've done enough Shepard," the Turian Councilor said.

Shepard felt Kaidan stir beside her and glanced over to see her normally calm and rather serious Lieutenant's face turning a lovely and extremely furious shade of red. Her own anger simmered under the surface. _Gotta get us out of here. We'll take the Normandy and go. To hell with the Council's permission! _Putting a hand on Kaidan's arm, she tugged at it. "Let's go back to the Normandy. We're not going to get much satisfaction here." He nodded rebelliously but turned to follow her out of the chamber.

"Shepard! Just in case you thought you'd just leave, I want you to know I've locked out the Normandy's systems," Udina barked from behind them.

Kaidan spun around, jerking his arm out from under Shepard's hand. "You bastard! You've betrayed us!"

Shepard shot Kaidan a warning look and grabbed his arm, dragging him away. "C'mon. We'll figure something out."

* * *

Kaidan took another mouthful of the drink Wrex handed to him; the anger he felt towards the Council and Udina still simmering under the surface. Regardless of the evidence Shepard had presented, the Council still refused to take their heads out of their asses long enough to actually take some action and Udina – Udina! – had insisted on kissing their asses by locking down the Normandy.

"So, here's to Shepard," Wrex said and raised his glass in a toast. "Hehehe…stealing the Normandy. She has the quads of a krogan."

Kaidan raised his glass, downing the remainder of his drink in one go. _What the hell is this stuff? _He'd only had two drinks and was already starting to feel woozy. He tried to stand but only succeeded in sliding to the floor. Wrex guffawed as he hit the ground, "You humans are such lightweights!"

The krogran rose from the table, downing the rest of his drink, then picked Kaidan up off the floor, slinging him over his shoulder. It was just a short distance from the mess to the Normandy's crew quarters. Kaidan felt himself being dumped into a sleeping pod and a blanket dropped over him. "Than…" he mumbled as the room faded away.

The pounding dance music alerted him to a change in location. _I'm in Flux. How the hell did I get here? _He was seated at a table with Shepard and Anderson. It all felt strangely familiar as if…_as if I've been here and done this before. _He heard Anderson's voice and looked up only to see that Anderson whom he knew had been there just a minute before had somehow morphed into an elderly white-haired and bearded man dressed in flowing robes. _Like a character from one of those old-time vids I used to watch. Like that one with the wizard…and little people with big feet. What was his name… Garfield? No. Gandofolo? No.. no… Gandalf! Yes, that was it! _

"Shepard. Alenko. Glad you made it. For the veiling shadow that glowers in Dark Space takes shape. Saren will suffer no rival," Gandalf intoned. "From his place in the depths. Of Sovereign he watches… ceaselessly searching. But he is not above fear; doubt ever gnaws at him. The only human Spectre lives, and holds all our fates in her hands. Saren fears you, Shepard. He fears what you may become. And so he will strike hard and fast at the Council. But, for all the Reapers' cunning, we have one advantage. The conduit yet remains to be discovered and used, and that we should seek to destroy it has not yet entered their darkest dreams."

"I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I _swear_ to you I will not let the Citadel fall, nor humans fail the universe," Shepard replied.

The old man smiled, "Then it is decided and our course clear. Prepare to journey to Ilosgard while I see to the means of the Normandy's release.

The room faded again. When Kaidan came to, he found himself standing near the Normandy's Galaxy map. The command center seemed strangely empty. Although Pressly was supposed to be on duty, he was not at his usual spot but in fact seemed to have been replaced by short man whose head could barely be seen over the top of the station. As Kaidan looked around he realized that a number of crewmembers seem to be different. To have shrunk in fact into short, grotesque beings with huge, hairy feet. _What the hell is going on? Joker will know, _he thought and headed to the bridge.

However the sight that greeted him, made him regret his decision. Joker was sitting in his usual spot in the pilot's chair but he too appeared to have lost a good two feet in height. As Kaidan approached he realized that Joker was watching a weird – and rather kinky - extranet vid and stroking his rather large, ugly feet. "My Precious," he muttered and pulled his foot up, popping a hairy toe in his mouth. From the look on his face, it was apparent that he was enjoying himself immensely.

_What is happening here? I must find Shepard. She'll know how to fix things. She fixes everything._ Kaidan turned without speaking and headed to the comm room wishing with all his heart that he could unsee what he'd just seen.

A few minutes later he entered the comm room to find a staff meeting in progress. _Why wasn't I told about it? _he wondered. He didn't have time to ponder this however for Garrus was speaking to the group in a strangely disjointed and rather rhythmic way.

"…to Ilosgard, to Ilosgard; we're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard!" he chanted. Kaidan stared at him, noticing that the turian seemed to have grown a pair of external and rather strangely pointed ears in addition to a full head of long blonde hair. The others nodded, feet tapping in time to his voice.

"Wait, what? We're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard? What are you talking about?" Kaidan asked, feeling somewhat bemused.

She smiled at him. "Kaidan you're late! We're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard. We must if we're to save humanity. And I've sworn to do so. And I promise that if by my life or death I can protect humanity, I will. You have my word..."

"And you have my sniper rifle!" Garrus exclaimed

"And my shotgun," said Wrex.

"And Alenko's ass," piped in Joker over the comm.

"You're being awfully generous with my ass, Joker, " Kaidan said sourly, flushing as he caught Shepard's eye. _It always comes back to my ass. _

She grinned back at him cheerfully. "I agree. We definitely don't want anything that looks that good in the firing line!" Turning to the rest of the group she raised her hand, fist clenched, "So…onward to Ilosgard!"

The officer began to clap, sporadically at first and then more rhythmically as Shepard and Garrus chanted, "To Ilosgard, to Ilosgard, we're taking the hobbits to Ilosgard."

"Take us to Ilosgard, Frodo!" Shepard commanded.

_Yeah,if he can stop sucking on his toe,_ Kaidan thought with an involuntary shudder.

"Aye aye Commander," Joker replied.

Shepard sprang to her feet and began to march up and down the room, joined by her officers. Kaidan could have sworn he heard martial music and suddenly the group burst into song.

"To Ilosgard!  
Though Ilosgard be ringed and barred with ships of geth,  
Those Ilosgard be strong and hard; as cold as stone and full of death!  
We go we go we go to war to kill the geth and FIND THE DOOR!"

Kaidan followed the singing and dancing fools from the comm room in utter disbelief. _Surely this is a dream…isn't it? Hopefully, I'll wake up from sooner rather than later. _He shook himself, hoping somehow to dislodge himself from the dream but it didn't work. _If this isn't a dream then the only other explanations are that Joker has somehow managed to convince everyone on board to go along with some crazy prank, or I'm dead, and am now doomed to spend eternity in some bizarre hell. _He headed out of the command center. _I really need to lie down. I'm getting a headache._ As he headed down the stairs towards crew quarter the walls faded from view and he suddenly awoke to find himself lying in a pod. His head still throbbed. As he got up and made his way towards Medbay he made a mental note to refuse all offers of 'a few drinks' with a krogan ever again.


	9. Chapter 9

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The wording of this weeks prompt proved too much temptation for my smartass and lazy nature.

_Location: Anywhere *except* the Normandy (1 or 2). Time: Anytime from the beginning of ME1 to the end of ME2 and/or any current DLC. Parameters: The prompt must include each and every one of the ten following words, in a sentence that is part of your prompt's story:_

_Eager Serendipity Precious Ghoul Playing Study Fabulous Vengeance Bare Popcorn_

_

* * *

_

Kaidan sat in his _study_, _bare_ chested and eating _popcorn, eager _to take _vengeance _on the _ghoul _who had stolen his most _precious _possessions in the _fabulous_ new game of _Serendipity _that he'd been _playing _when he had the time.


End file.
